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Deviant Haze
Deviant Haze

Where did all my champagne go? I need more but the owner of the convenience store  across the street already saw me buy a frozen pizza and cookies tonight and he doesn’t need to know that on top of that, while tipsy, I still think I need more alcohol. 

And by “drink”

I mean “chug.”


New Drinking Game


Every time I check to see if he’s texted I take a huge swig of champagne straight from the bottle. 

I’m tipsy already so I don’t know if the drinking is helping or hurting my case…

When did I get so domesticated?

I was looking at my blog, and where did the danger go? My life has become so static! Not that I’m complaining… but an idea of a fun Valentine’s Day this year is to go look at puppies and bunnies at the anti-cruelty society followed by yummy dinner and lots of monogamous sex with a man that I openly love who loves me back.

Two years ago, all I wanted to do was see if I could break 10k from sugar daddies in one night and then go home drunk with the cutest boy at a bar without ever exchanging names.

Am I even the same person? And what if Civilian fell in love with the old me, and gets bored with the current me?

Silly rabbit…

This blog is for me. At times I’ve posted requests, but never anything I didn’t want to do, never any photos I wasn’t using for another purpose, etc. So when another tumblr user got super passive-aggressive and aggressive-aggressive for no reason, I wished that I had sugarbabynikki’s clout so I could incite a riot against his mean comments!

But then I realize that I’m so happy in my own self at this point in life that a stranger’s views actually are just entertainment. A year ago, I’d be churning those accusations over and over in my head, word for word, with a pit of anxiety and self-loathing in my stomach. Now, it’s been a few hours and I’m already forgetting how many times he even messaged me, much less what he said. In a week, I probably won’t remember much at all. 

I’m focused on school, focused on family, focused on friends/Civilian, focused on self-improvement. And I feel like I’ve been doing my best to reach my goals pretty consistently. So if I’m working the hardest I can toward the best version of me that I can imagine, what else could possibly matter?

PS I’m always down for a riot though.

I’ve been reminiscing for the past hour. I made (another) fake facebook to post photos to knockers for the troops, and I want to find those photos! But I can’t remember which of my many fake email addresses I used- and I can’t even remember all of my fake emails. 

(Side note: putting these words down makes me realize I have a huge Catch-Me-If-You-Can situation going on, and also makes me realize why I can track down the life story of ever POT ever)

Anyway, the main point was that I was going through one of these “secondary” emails, and I found some old notifications from OkCupid. I kind of want to log back in to reread my conversations with Civilian, but

  • I probably made several asses out of myself
  • I bet he did, too
  • What if he for some reason logs in and sees that I’ve logged in and then thinks he’s allowed to date other people?

I think I’ll hold off. Maybe if we got engaged we could look through together! Perhaps.

I really, really wish I could learn to separate the anxiety I feel from the normal day-to-day stuff. I think the problem is that I let it get so out of hand with Civilian. I let myself want so much more than I asked for. So, I’m constantly in a state of panic that he’s about to break up with me. 

Omegle and I were talking today, and he was all “you deserve better” blah blah (mostly because he wanted naked photos… I should have just sent him to this blog, I guess). He was like “clearly you’re not happy and you should change something so that you are.” It seems so basic and so, I don’t know, DUH, but there’s this whole other element with Civilian where he shows me these little pieces of how much he cares and it has me believing he really does. Plus my friends think that he cares. So maybe the anxiety is just winning?

Sorry about rambling and being vague. I’ll probably just have to write/talk a lot about this before I can say what I feel for real. And until I can be clear, I can’t talk to Civilian about it.

Post gym meal
  • bowl of boiled broccoli
  • light parmesan cheese
  • … TWO HUGE GLASSES OF WINE with a side of benadryl…

clean living starts again tomorrow. Oops.

have you ever been so wildly attracted to someone you can actually feel it driving you insane

Hell yes. This. Over a year with Civilian and still feel this way.

I should go to bed

But my couch smells like Civilian and I love it.